Another manic Monday…and all the days before that

It has been a bit of a struggle to write this next post, so I am going to jump in and push myself to do it. This feeling of resistance and tension, a mind block that is deep routed in my stomach is a fairly regular occurrence. It can be applied to any or all situations and I try to always do as I am doing now, jump in and push through as best I can. That’s all anyone can do, my mum always used to say “chin up and plod on Anna” and to most degree’s that’s exactly what I try to do.
This weekend I think would best be categorised as a manic weekend, I don’t mean that in the way that we were busy with social events or even tasks around the flat but mentally. Luckily (it’s not really luck it’s taken a long time to realise) I have developed coping strategies to get me through, because when my mind won’t stop the best thing to do is get it out into the open. I don’t mean writing it all down, although that is definitely something worthwhile doing, I mean I made things. Crafts are one of my most effective therapies, and to be clear this weekend I performed the following tasks:

Mended 3 pairs of jeans (with patches)
Baked a Quiche
Baked a meringue pie
Painted 2 pains of glass
Made 2 button art pictures
Potted some new plants in the garden

And that was on top of a trip to the bank, a food shop, tidying clothes away (most credit goes to my loving husband for the general tidy of the flat this weekend) and speaking to family and friends via text, FaceTime and phone. I had actually got out some photo scrapbooks to finish but my brain had had enough and a cracking headache invaded before I could get that far.

Do I feel better? Not really as you will see from the start of this post. There is a pervading sense of sickness and unsteadiness, and as usual I can’t really pin the cause down. I have done my morning meditation today, prepared my breakfast and left the house on time, determined to make a real go of today, work is pretty hectic and although I am exceptionally well supported I have no doubt that has some part in my tummy full of butterflies. As I sit writing this I am on my 15 minute delayed train where there is the usual irritated argument going on about people moving down to make more space – this is one occasion where that really isn’t possible – but the hostility is feeding down the small space and I feel even more sick than I did before.

It’s times like these that I am reminded that the one thing that I particularly struggle with is being treated unfairly, I would say that in fact that is one of my consistent bug bears that no amount of mindfulness or meditation can give perspective on. I don’t know where this ingrained frustration and hate for injustice comes from, society, the fact I was bullied or just life experience, but it’s there, ever present. Sometimes I can respond calmly and coolly but mostly it’s one of the only times I cannot manage my emotional response because it makes me so mad, it makes me furious! And when I’m furious my stupid over active tear ducts run rivers and then I get frustrated at myself, I am not weak and my tears make me seem like I am to the very person or people that I don’t want to show my vulnerable side to.

We all have times where we are overly rude or impatient with a colleague or waiter, or we even lash out at the person walking too slowly in front of us and afterwards we are probably mentally hitting ourselves we are so embarrassed. Most of the time after the event we spend the next however long justifying our actions, but we know we are in the wrong. I cannot tell you how long it took me to realise that in situations such as these, the thing that is most important for yourself and for the people in the firing line is to take responsibility for your actions. It can be extremely tough, but it does not mean that by admitting wrong you are also admitting that you’ve failed, there is nothing wrong in saying you were at fault, in fact if you can do it with regularity then you are a better person than I am. It is empowering for you and for the person you’ve unjustly and negatively effected, so next time you tell someone a mis-truth or you speak in frustration instead of kindly, trust that by saying “I was wrong” you will feel much better afterwards because your subconscious can move on, it’s not dwelling in the past where your frustration lives because you’ve said goodbye to it. You’ve also appeased the person who you inadvertently upset or negatively impacted with your words or actions, it could make a difference to how they feel that day and that’s important. You or I have no real idea how any one person other than ourselves is truly feeling, so strive to be kind, to yourself and to every single person you come into contact with.

You know I have written all of that and I don’t really feel that it expresses entirely the point I am trying to make, but I think that’s my brain today, it’s a higgledy piggledy day and here are my higgledy piggledy thoughts. Be kind, and forgive.

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